Is It Invisible?

When Mums (my 100lb Great Pyrenees St. Bernard puppy) starting acting up we had to figure out why. Being sick has led Mumford to be possessive versus protective. So, this means he needs brand new all day training. During the past few weeks, it had been a very emotional time. Yet again in my life I had multiple people tell me that I may be too sick to care for him properly. Two days ago, my new dog trainer asked me “Are you too sick to do this?” How many times have I been asked that question?

Something kicks in, this fire inside me that refuses to lose more that I love. I took a deep breath, felt my level 9.5 pain (rating based on how someone without my illness would respond, on my pain scale I would say a 5), and stood up. Ready, ready to fight like a warrior. I’m sure it wouldn’t surprise you that this is something I choose to do every morning, but some things are harder than others.

Now I’m going to ask you to consider some things.

  

Many people would be surprised that this is the same person by just looking at the photos. In the first photo I am 23 years old, 108 pounds, and about to attend my best friend’s bachelorette party. What do you think when you look at this picture? I am usually told that this was my “prime."  That I am sexy, gorgeous, skinny, desirable, and confident.

In the second photo I am 25 years old, 190 pounds, and celebrating my best friend being in town. What do you think when you view this photo? For this photo I usually get overweight but pretty in my curves, thicker, needs more exercise, but happy (fat shaming NEVER helps anyone. “Fat” doesn’t always mean unhealthy.). 

Let’s dig a little deeper. Look again at the picture of me blonde with what I’m about to say next on your mind. I was unable to care for my sick body, and I was trying to work full time. I was only able to keep down one tiny meal a day. I was sick ALL the time. In this photo I have tonsillitis and a kidney infection. I had also begun a new medication to help. So I was dizzy, nauseous or vomiting, exhausted, sleep deprived, and cognitively I was messing words up and stuttering when I spoke. I had chills from the amount of pain that radiating through me. Pain level 8 on my scale.  I was also struggling with depression due to my illness. Right before the photo, I had to evaluate the amount of blood I was losing before partaking in festivities.

Now let’s look at the red head photo. Here I have gained incredible amount of weight very quickly that my body won’t let go because my body is attacking itself. My body is attacking my bladder, uterus, ovaries, vulva, intestines, nerves, and esophagus. The attack is so swift and strong that my body begins to hold onto every calorie it can take to fight a war. Here I’m on a cocktail of new medications, everything I eat turns to fire in my body, I am still eating one meal a day, I’m exhausted, again struggling with depression from being sick, and inflammation has taken over most of my body (I’m just on fire. Even if you touched my arm I would internally jump.). Pain level 9 on my scale.

Most people assume that when I was thin I was happier and healthier. That is an assumption a great deal of society believes. I can honestly share that I felt absolutely awful in both of these photos. Of course the goal is to get to a medium size and find ultimate healthiness, but as the doctors assure me this could take years of struggle. I will never be cured so balancing my outside looks will always be a problem. Oh let me tell you how much this drives some in my life, dates, and society, crazy!

Having an invisible illness can be helpful and hurtful in daily life. I am able to mask my disease when I can, and want to. This means that I can look pain free if I don’t want people to know. However, this one positive comes with problems to juggle. When I hide my illness I cannot get the support I need, people have higher expectations of me that I cannot always fulfill, and I can be treated as just another dumb blonde.

When I do come out about my disability everything changes. There is greater disbelief, huge amounts of stigma, people treat you very differently when they know you’re sick, people think they should share “cures” for my inability to be normal, etc. However, on the flip side I am able to get the accommodations I need, support when I need it, and more alignment with my core self. People tend to loop me into the category of “poor sick girl who will never be able to use her intelligence or gifts.” I find it so fascinating and heartbreaking the way we judge one another based on looks and success.

On top of dealing with what others’ think, most of us are juggling what we think of ourselves. Who I am inside grows and changes with lessons learned. However, who I am on the inside does not change regardless to what I look like on the outside. Even though people judge me differently, I am still the same woman with the same brain and heart. At times I scream, and even now feel the rush of frustration going through my veins, because I feel trapped. I feel trapped in a body that cannot express what I want it to or do what I need it to. I feel like a healthy woman stuck in a 90 year old body.

Why do we as humans judge one another based on how we look on the outside? What if we start to get to know the true person they are inside? What if we began to respect people as they are within their shell? Our bodies are a representation of us yes, but they are just the shell we decorate. We all deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, compassion, and acceptance. When someone is vulnerable in this world we should be taking him or her in not shoving them into categories and making rules.

When have you been judged on your body? If you have an invisible illness when do you choose to hide it? When do you choose to share it? What do you wish you could say to those facing this struggle?

I give everyone a challenge of thinking before they judge.  A challenge to give out kindness and compassion.

As always, thank you for reading!

<3 Chronic Pain Warrior